The Waste Lands

I realized today how extremely happy I am. And I mean, EXTREMELY happy. It’s weird. Just a few months ago I thought I would never be happy again, that I would find joy in nothing, hate everyone, and live my life alone, afraid, and worthless.

I don’t know what happened. It wasn’t exactly instant. But it wasn’t exactly gradual.

I’m free.

I’m exposed.

I’m allowing myself to live.

I’m learning.

I’m giving.

I’m taking. And that’s important too.

I’m starting to see things. I think my buddy Rosa calls in synthesia or something. Like….every song I listen to I’m beginning to see colors that I honestly feel are hidden in the song. It’s as if they were always there….and I just couldnt really see them before. Almost as if a door (its always a door) has been opened and I can see the colors now. 

I had a terrifying dream the other night. I was being pulled by a demon. The scary part? I woke up and I couldnt move. I was frozen. And i could feel the demon holding me down. Well…more like holding my legs down. My heart was racing. I was absolutely shell-shocked. And then….out of nowhere….I could feel the pressure lifting. But it was fighting back. Like someone was pulling the pressure off of me, but the pressure wanted to stay. It went on for what felt like 5 minutes, until I finally decided to move. I specifically remember saying to myself “If this is real, then so be it. Sitting here playing dead wont do anything. And if its nothing, might as well get up and readjust yourself so youre comfortable.”

So I did.

And the pressure lifted.

Free.

Exposed.

Living.